Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
