make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
