I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
it's like heaven, but drunker
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
