Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
