Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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