Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
