Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
