I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
