I faked an abortion last night.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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