I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i was born a porn star she said
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
