Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
