sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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