I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
