her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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