we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
as a side note pls kill me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
