Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
