I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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