I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
