I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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