Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we made out on top of his cat.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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