you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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