Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
