Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
