so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I am available for nakedness
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
