the condom got lost in my hair
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
