Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
