Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
