1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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