are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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