i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
