Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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