Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
