I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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