Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just cropdusted the office
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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