idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
