he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
