Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
