The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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