Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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