Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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