Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
