we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
