So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
