Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
