last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
