I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
