you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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