FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
