I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
