i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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