guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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