I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
